8:
Apple Rations? Apparitions?
I had put a lot of expectations on myself starting the space. I was overthinking every single detail of the space. At this point I was exhausted, having spent many days mostly alone, doing up the physical space as well as the digital space of —Tom. When it came to programming the first exhibition, I was tired, anxious and doubtful of my capabilities. I had initially shortlisted several artists that I admired and hoped to work with through this project, but I was constantly putting myself down, thinking why would they want to work on a show with me, in this space that was then still nothing. I also feared rejection. On top of that, communication is the one thing that I deeply dread; another was establishing affinities with new people. I generally am against making connections with new people because I feel like I would disappoint them and that somehow I would give a bad impression of myself, and hence I should avoid it as much as I can.
As a result of these insecurities and a combination of time slowly running out, I had to constantly force myself to do things that I had apprehension about. Eventually I decided that for the first show that I would curate, I would still rely on friends and people who had shown interest in the space in the first place. I had discussed with Terry Ong previously about the space and hence decided to show his series of strange images that I really liked as the first show at —Tom. It fit really well for me. The opening show not being some blockbuster artist and blockbuster artwork to prove anything. Instead, the show should reflect the apprehension, anxiety, and insecurity of the space. Terry understood this and was a good fit. There’s something about such sentiments that we both identify with a lot. And that these feelings may be the closest we can get to honesty, humility and genuinity. To rationalise our mental states in such a way is always also some kind of safety blanket, a downplaying of expectations that would risk seeming weak but ultimately allows for freedom and safety in our creative pursuits.
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